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A boisterous female minister comes to serve in an eccentricly conservative small town's church.
Letitia Cropley: I've got a memory like an elephant... that's lost its memory.
Owen Newitt: I am a great supporter of sex before marriage. Otherwise I wouldn't have had sex at all.
Letitia Cropley: Care to try one, Mr. Chairman? David Horton: No thank you. I'd sooner eat my own scrotum, Mrs. Cropley.
Alice: I just hope Hugo doesn't go off me now. Geraldine: Why would he go off you, you stupid little idiot? Alice: I don't know, I might lose my female sexual allure. I'm already putting on weight. I've put on four pounds in the last month, that's a pound a week. If I go on at this rate by the time I'm fifty I'll weigh 82 stone which is more than a walrus, and I don't want to look like a walrus. Geraldine: Alice, you haven't been feeling sick at all, have you? Alice: Yeah, every single morning.
Alice: Well the pregnancy test said I'm not pregnant. The hamster didn't turn blue. Geraldine: I'm sorry, I don't think I'm familiar with that particular test. Alice: Oh yes, it's very common in Dibley. You go out and you buy a hamster, and you wee on it. And if it turns blue, you're pregnant.
[Auditioning members of the village for parts in the Christmas play, Owen arrives dressed as Elvis] Geraldine: Right Owen, you've come to audition for? Owen: The King.
[as yet another person dressed as an Easter Bunny appears in the High Street] Owen Newitt: Oh, great! Any more and we'll be able to do a production of bloody Watership Down!
Reverend Geraldine Granger: We're at a bit of a loss for items for the church newsletter. The best we have is a piece about David's missing watch which is actually rather a mystery. Jim: [pulls a watch from his pocket] Here, is this it? David Horton: Oh, yes, thank you. Reverend Geraldine Granger: Great. Now our main story is "Hen lays rather large egg".
Simon: Why don't we just say that that was the autumn that was and let's just see what winter brings. Reverend Geraldine Granger: Yeah. Either that or "get out of my house you treacherous gigantic elongated bastard". Ah, but no. Probably the autumny-wintry metaphor is much nicer. Much nicer for you.
Geraldine: [to Alice and Hugo, exasperated] OH, FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, JUST KISS, YOU MORONS! [Alice and Hugo shake hands and embrace awkwardly, then kiss - initially very tentatively, but then passionately] Geraldine: [gleefully, to herself] Houston, we have kiss-off!
[showing photos from their honeymoon to Geraldine] Alice: This is a nice woman we met on the plane. She was a bit tired when we got to Turkey so Hugo was ever so nice and carried her case through customs. Geraldine: Right, I think I can anticipate the next picture. Alice: That's customs opening the suitcase. Geraldine: Wow! How much cocaine is that, Hugo? Hugo: I'm told a street value of £82 million. Alice: Still, they let him go the minute they realized he was innocent. Geraldine: Which was? Alice: Er... 14 months later.
Geraldine: David! Let joy be unconfined. But I am NOT playing scrabble.
Owen Newitt: I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour.
[on hearing that Hugo is going out with Alice, David redrafts his will] David Horton: Ah Hugo, I was just showing the vicar my new will. Hugo: Come on papa, you're not that angry. It's like the time you tried to convince me you were Father Christmas. I saw through that and I can see through this. David Horton: Then you see wrong. If you continue to consort with that Tinker twerp, you will no longer be welcome in this house, you will no longer be my son, and as this will attests, you will have *nothing*. Hugo: [long pause] On the contrary sir. I shall have everything in the world that I desire.