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The misadventures of two women and one man living in one apartment and their neighbors.
Jack Tripper: It's time to toast the bride and groom. To Gloria and Larry, happy days! Janet Wood Dawson: Good times! Chrissy: Little House on the Prairie!
[Stanley has been caught eavesdropping] Helen Roper: Stanley! You should say you're sorry. Stanley Roper: All right, all right, I'm sorry. Helen Roper: And you'll never do it again. Stanley Roper: And I'll never do it again. Helen Roper: And you'll take fifty dollars off next month's rent. Stanley Roper: And I'll never do it again.
Diane McMillan: Janet, do you know what I do for a living? Janet Wood Dawson: Of course I do! It's right here on your card in black and white. Diane McMillan, The Rapist! Jack Tripper: That's therapist. Janet's Father: She always did have trouble with her reading.
Ralph Furley: Ohhhh, I'm through with women. Jack Tripper: Aww. Ralph Furley: Don't you get any ideas!
Larry: I just wanted to know if you wanted to spend an evening with a beautiful, young lady. Jack Tripper: No thanks, pal. I'd rather spend an evening with Janet.
Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't tell anybody you're a chef, okay? Jack Tripper: Okay, mum's the word. Janet Wood Dawson: Well, it's not that there's anything wrong with what you do, Jack. It's just that... everybody here looks so important and we want to make a good impression. Well, you understand, don't you? Jack Tripper: *Of course*, pumpkin. Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, thanks. Jack Tripper: You're ashamed of me!
Larry: What the heck am I gonna do without a friend like you? [he breaks down crying] Jack Tripper: Well, Larry, I'm only moving about a mile away. Larry: You shoulda told me that before I made a fool of myself!
Jack Tripper: [a woman comes to the door and mistakenly tells the girls that Jack got her pregnant. Through miscommunication, Jack believes his girlfriend is pregnant] Good news girls! We're getting married! Chrissy: You rotten rat! Jack Tripper: Janet Wood Dawson: Because you're a pig!
Chrissy: You know, if women ran the world there'd be none of these stupid wars! Janet Wood Dawson: Yeah! Stanley Roper: Yeah, all the countries would nag each other to death!
Ralph Furley: [after hearing Terry play the Violin very badly] Who's *killing* a cat up here?
Ralph Furley: You can't follow The Brady Bunch if you miss the beginning!
Stanley Roper: Will you put some clothes on? My wife's here! Helen Roper: Mind your own business, Stanley. Stanley Roper: What if the towel slips? Helen Roper: Mind your own business, Stanley. Chrissy: Jack, you have some shaving cream on your face. Jack Tripper: Oh, thank you. Chrissy: [shouts] No, Jack! Helen Roper: Mind your own business, Chrissy!
Chrissy: Eat your salad before it gets cold.
Stanley Roper: I came up to shampoo your rug. Chrissy: Why? Does it have dandruff?
Stanley Roper: I want my rent! Helen Roper: Stanley, where are your manners? You're supposed to say hello when you walk into a room. Stanley Roper: Hello, I want my rent!
Stanley Roper: [after the kids make a lot of noise, Mr. Roper knocks on the door] Jack Tripper: Yes? Stanley Roper: It's three o'clock in the morning! - [is about to complain further] Jack Tripper: Thank you! [closes door]
Jack Tripper: And speaking of current events, did you read the *big* news in the paper this morning? Chrissy: The May Company is having a huge sale on pantyhose. Jack Tripper: Excuse me, Chrissy, that's not exactly a current event. Chrissy: It is so, it's going on right now.
Terri: I just felt sorry for you! Jack Tripper: Sorry for me? Why would anybody feel sorry for me? Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, lots of reasons.
Cindy Snow: She's wrong, Jack. You're NOT a bad liar. Jack Tripper: [indignantly] Thank you, Cindy! Cindy Snow: You're about the best darn liar I've ever met!
Stanley Roper: What's the cake for? Helen Roper: We're celebrating. Stanley Roper: Celebrating what? Helen Roper: The tenth anniversary of my new spring outfit.
Janet Wood Dawson: Chrissy, your dad is a minister, what does he usually say to couples in trouble? Chrissy: He tells them to keep the baby.
Jack Tripper: Is something burning? Janet Wood Dawson: Oh NO! I left my underwear in the oven. Chrissy: Too bad hot pants are not in style.
[about lying to his boss about having a wife] Jack Tripper: Mr. Angelino saw me talking to his daughter and now I have to be married. Terri: Boy, those Italians sure are strict!
Mrs. Roper: I need a new stove Stanley Roper: There's nothing wrong with the stove you have. Mrs. Roper: I better not break up the set. Stanley Roper: What set? Mrs. Roper: An old stove, and old husband, and they both take too long to heat up.
Helen Roper: Oh, why don't you go see your dentist! Stanley Roper: What for? Helen Roper: Because your toothache is giving me a pain. Stanley Roper: Then you go see the dentist. Helen Roper: The place I got a pain you don't see a dentist.
Stanley Roper: I bet this cot told some great stories. Mrs. Roper: I wish ours could.
Ralph Furley: This is a respectable building. NO ROMAN ORGIES!
Jack Tripper: Larry, haven't you ever thought of telling a girl the truth? Larry: Well, I figure, anyone who gets up an hour early to put on eyeliner, fake eyelashes, and plastic nails isn't someone who wants to hear the truth.
Chrissy: Men are so unsympathetic. Jack Tripper: Baloney. Chrissy: Oh yeah? Then how come there are more women nurses than men? Jack Tripper: [pause] Because there are more men who get sick because of women.
Cindy Snow: If my man was cheating on me I'd break every bone in his body! Jack Tripper: You'll do that on your wedding night.
Chrissy: Jack, that smells good. Jack Tripper: Chrissy, I haven't even started cooking yet. Chrissy: Well, you better hurry up and start cooking so you can catch up with the smell.
Jack Tripper: I have a surprise for you girls! Chrissy: Oh, I love surprises. It's funny that you never suspect them!
Stanley Roper: Helen, I just wanted to prove to you that other woman found me attractive. And I proved it. Mrs. Roper: Well, fine, go to her. See if I care. I hope you're happy. Stanley Roper: I don't want to be happy; I want to be with you.
Stanley Roper: Not in my building! Jack Tripper: I swear, it will be completely platonic. Stanley Roper: I don't care what it - What does that mean? Helen Roper: Like you and me, Stanley.