The misadventures of two women and one man living in one apartment and their neighbors.

Jack Tripper: It's time to toast the bride and groom. To Gloria and Larry, happy days!
Janet Wood Dawson: Good times!
Chrissy: Little House on the Prairie!
[Stanley has been caught eavesdropping]
Helen Roper: Stanley! You should say you're sorry.
Stanley Roper: All right, all right, I'm sorry.
Helen Roper: And you'll never do it again.
Stanley Roper: And I'll never do it again.
Helen Roper: And you'll take fifty dollars off next month's rent.
Stanley Roper: And I'll never do it again.
Diane McMillan: Janet, do you know what I do for a living?
Janet Wood Dawson: Of course I do! It's right here on your card in black and white. Diane McMillan, The Rapist!
Jack Tripper: That's therapist.
Janet's Father: She always did have trouble with her reading.
Ralph Furley: Ohhhh, I'm through with women.
Jack Tripper: Aww.
Ralph Furley: Don't you get any ideas!
Larry: I just wanted to know if you wanted to spend an evening with a beautiful, young lady.
Jack Tripper: No thanks, pal. I'd rather spend an evening with Janet.
Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't tell anybody you're a chef, okay?
Jack Tripper: Okay, mum's the word.
Janet Wood Dawson: Well, it's not that there's anything wrong with what you do, Jack. It's just that... everybody here looks so important and we want to make a good impression. Well, you understand, don't you?
Jack Tripper: *Of course*, pumpkin.
Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, thanks.
Jack Tripper: You're ashamed of me!
Larry: What the heck am I gonna do without a friend like you?
[he breaks down crying]
Jack Tripper: Well, Larry, I'm only moving about a mile away.
Larry: You shoulda told me that before I made a fool of myself!
Jack Tripper: [a woman comes to the door and mistakenly tells the girls that Jack got her pregnant. Through miscommunication, Jack believes his girlfriend is pregnant] Good news girls! We're getting married!
Chrissy: You rotten rat!
Jack Tripper:
Janet Wood Dawson: Because you're a pig!
Chrissy: You know, if women ran the world there'd be none of these stupid wars!
Janet Wood Dawson: Yeah!
Stanley Roper: Yeah, all the countries would nag each other to death!
Ralph Furley: [after hearing Terry play the Violin very badly] Who's *killing* a cat up here?
Ralph Furley: You can't follow The Brady Bunch if you miss the beginning!
Stanley Roper: Will you put some clothes on? My wife's here!
Helen Roper: Mind your own business, Stanley.
Stanley Roper: What if the towel slips?
Helen Roper: Mind your own business, Stanley.
Chrissy: Jack, you have some shaving cream on your face.
Jack Tripper: Oh, thank you.
Chrissy: [shouts] No, Jack!
Helen Roper: Mind your own business, Chrissy!
Chrissy: Eat your salad before it gets cold.
Stanley Roper: I came up to shampoo your rug.
Chrissy: Why? Does it have dandruff?
Stanley Roper: I want my rent!
Helen Roper: Stanley, where are your manners? You're supposed to say hello when you walk into a room.
Stanley Roper: Hello, I want my rent!
Stanley Roper: [after the kids make a lot of noise, Mr. Roper knocks on the door]
Jack Tripper: Yes?
Stanley Roper: It's three o'clock in the morning! -
[is about to complain further]
Jack Tripper: Thank you!
[closes door]
Jack Tripper: And speaking of current events, did you read the *big* news in the paper this morning?
Chrissy: The May Company is having a huge sale on pantyhose.
Jack Tripper: Excuse me, Chrissy, that's not exactly a current event.
Chrissy: It is so, it's going on right now.
Terri: I just felt sorry for you!
Jack Tripper: Sorry for me? Why would anybody feel sorry for me?
Janet Wood Dawson: Oh, lots of reasons.
Cindy Snow: She's wrong, Jack. You're NOT a bad liar.
Jack Tripper: [indignantly] Thank you, Cindy!
Cindy Snow: You're about the best darn liar I've ever met!
Stanley Roper: What's the cake for?
Helen Roper: We're celebrating.
Stanley Roper: Celebrating what?
Helen Roper: The tenth anniversary of my new spring outfit.
Janet Wood Dawson: Chrissy, your dad is a minister, what does he usually say to couples in trouble?
Chrissy: He tells them to keep the baby.
Jack Tripper: Is something burning?
Janet Wood Dawson: Oh NO! I left my underwear in the oven.
Chrissy: Too bad hot pants are not in style.
[about lying to his boss about having a wife]
Jack Tripper: Mr. Angelino saw me talking to his daughter and now I have to be married.
Terri: Boy, those Italians sure are strict!
Mrs. Roper: I need a new stove
Stanley Roper: There's nothing wrong with the stove you have.
Mrs. Roper: I better not break up the set.
Stanley Roper: What set?
Mrs. Roper: An old stove, and old husband, and they both take too long to heat up.
Helen Roper: Oh, why don't you go see your dentist!
Stanley Roper: What for?
Helen Roper: Because your toothache is giving me a pain.
Stanley Roper: Then you go see the dentist.
Helen Roper: The place I got a pain you don't see a dentist.
Stanley Roper: I bet this cot told some great stories.
Mrs. Roper: I wish ours could.
Ralph Furley: This is a respectable building. NO ROMAN ORGIES!
Jack Tripper: Larry, haven't you ever thought of telling a girl the truth?
Larry: Well, I figure, anyone who gets up an hour early to put on eyeliner, fake eyelashes, and plastic nails isn't someone who wants to hear the truth.
Chrissy: Men are so unsympathetic.
Jack Tripper: Baloney.
Chrissy: Oh yeah? Then how come there are more women nurses than men?
Jack Tripper: [pause] Because there are more men who get sick because of women.
Cindy Snow: If my man was cheating on me I'd break every bone in his body!
Jack Tripper: You'll do that on your wedding night.
Chrissy: Jack, that smells good.
Jack Tripper: Chrissy, I haven't even started cooking yet.
Chrissy: Well, you better hurry up and start cooking so you can catch up with the smell.
Jack Tripper: I have a surprise for you girls!
Chrissy: Oh, I love surprises. It's funny that you never suspect them!
Stanley Roper: Helen, I just wanted to prove to you that other woman found me attractive. And I proved it.
Mrs. Roper: Well, fine, go to her. See if I care. I hope you're happy.
Stanley Roper: I don't want to be happy; I want to be with you.
Stanley Roper: Not in my building!
Jack Tripper: I swear, it will be completely platonic.
Stanley Roper: I don't care what it - What does that mean?
Helen Roper: Like you and me, Stanley.