Two and a Half Men

Two and a Half Men Quotes

A hedonistic jingle writer's free-wheeling life comes to an abrupt halt when his brother and 10-year-old nephew move into his beach-front house.

[repeated line]
Berta: [whenever she sees a big mess being made] I ain't cleaning that up!
[repeated line]
Charlie: That ship has sailed.
[repeated line]
Chelsea: [whenever Charlie says something offensive that drives her away] Drop dead!
Charlie: [repeated line, whenever he's put in a sticky situation] Uuuuuoo.
[repeated line]
Charlie: She/He's not coming back.
[repeated line]
Judith Harper: JAAAKE! YOUR FATHER IS HERE!
[repeated line]
Mia: [whenever Charlie says something outrageous] Are you out of your freaking mind?
[repeated line]
Melissa: Yeppers!
Alan Harper: [they are just about to sleep] You want to watch porn first?
Charlie: No!
Alan Harper: Why not?
Charlie: I'm drunk, in bed, in a hotel room with my brother and you want to know why I don't wanna watch porn?
Charlie: [repeated line, when he senses trouble] Oh boy.
[repeated line]
Various characters: Rat bastard!
Alan Harper: [repeated line, whenever he's stressed out] I-I-I-I-I...
Charlie: [on Jake] How can I be blackmailed by Forrest Gump?
[repeated line]
Charlie: What the hell are you doing?
[repeated line]
Charlie: Get out.
Alan Harper: Who is Alan Harper?
Charlie: That's easy. Alan Harper is an idiot.
Alan Harper: [when his receptionist keeps staring at him] Have I told you lately you are doing a great job? Because you are doing a great job! In fact, I'm gonna make you employee of the month!
[repeated line]
Russell: What are you, a cop?

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