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Three twenty-somethings share a Boston apartment and hang around (and work) at a pizza place.
Pete: Berg, I'm just not cut out to be a good person. Berg: I know. That's why the Lord gave us good looks.
Sharon Carter: Actually, we're engaged "in theory." Pete: Oh, that's great, congratulations. I'd explain it to Collette if I spoke French, and understood what you were talking about. Sharon Carter: Why is everyone having such a tough time with this? It's very simple - an engagement is a promise to be married. and I am promising to be engaged, which in theory is a promise to be married, hence we are engaged in theory. Johnny Donnelly: Good luck finding a card for that.
Pete: Berg, what you need is a little reenactment. Sharon? Would you like to play the part of Ashley? Sharon: Oh, yes... no... yes... no. [to Pete] Sharon: I'm getting into character.
Berg: Hi, my name is Berg... and I'm addicted to messing with Pete.
Sharon Carter: Oh, run away, you bimbos, the killer's right behind you! Don't turn around. Don't... start making out with the other girl. [reads video cover] Sharon Carter: "I Know Who You Did Last Summer." Cute, guys.
Berg: [About his use of an asthma inhaler] You know how they say not to exceed the daily recommended dosage? Pete: Yeah? Berg: Well I'm the guy... who exceeds it so they know why they shouldn't.
Pete: Ashley, if you're here, who's running hell?
Sharon Carter: Can I talk to you guys for a second? [storms past them] Berg: She knows. Pete: She does? Berg: Play dumb. Pete: We are dumb. [they walk over to Sharon] Sharon Carter: Are you guys nuts? Berg: [flipping a page on his notepad] I'm Nuts. This is my partner, Pretzels. Pete: What seems to be the problem, ma'am?
Berg: [upon meeting Ashley] See anything you like? Ashley Walker: Wow, where you get that line? Because you need to give it back.
Sharon: Just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage. Berg: I never... want to forget that you said that.
Berg: I don't like you being mad at me. Pete: I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me. Berg, I'm gonna be 25 and I don't even know where my life is - and the one good thing I had, I messed up. When my dad was my age, he had a house, he had a wife, he had me. I mean, what do I have? Berg: You have the ability to suck the life out of an evening.
[About Pete] Melissa: What does he tell you about me? Berg: Everything. Melissa: Like what, everything? Berg: Like the first time he saw you, he said he actually felt his heart stop. Melissa: Really? Berg: And you... do a phenomenal Linda Ronstadt imitation. Melissa: Aww... Pete. Berg: And he hates sushi... but goes with you all the time because he knows you love it. Melissa: Why didn't he say anything? Berg: And you laugh like a mad scientist during sex.
Berg: I can't stand you. Ashley: I loathe you. Berg: I despise you. Ashley: I hate you. Berg: I can get us a room. Ashley: I can drive.
Ashley: Aww, you like Irene! Berg: [pretending he doesn't] *You* like Irene! Ashley: It's OK, Berg. Some people actually think it's a good thing to like the person you're making love to. Berg: We are not making love! We're having sex! We're having dirty, dirty sex!
Berg: You know not with whom you mess.
Ashley: Go like this. [pretending to get something out of her teeth] Berg: [picking his teeth] What, do I have something in my teeth? Ashley: No, now go away.
Berg: Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps. Pete: Oh. Oh, well listen... I'll give you the name of her connection -the post office!
Berg: So, your mother hates Johnny. Sharon: No, my mother loves Johnny. Berg: So, she loves Johnny too much. Sharon: No, my mother's been married three times. Berg: And once to Johnny!
Pete: Irene, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you handle never winning.
[at a boxing match] Ashley: What am I doing here? Sharon: According to the Bible, to balance out "good."
Pete: Berg, you can't sleep in my bed, people talk enough as it is. Go sleep on the couch. Berg: I can't sleep on the couch. Last week I spilled milk on it and for some reason it smells bad. Pete: So go sleep on the floor! Berg: I can't sleep on the floor. Pete: Why not? Berg: For some reason there's a trail of ants leading to the couch.
Berg: Y'know, Turner and Hooch were talking earlier, and they said something very intriguing. Pete: Don't quote your shoes. Berg: "Stay close to the leader, or the race is lost." Pete: What do you think they meant by that? Berg: No idea. I'm gonna take them for a walk in the park, try and get it out of them.
Ashley: Sharon doesn't want to rush into marriage and make the same mistakes that her mother did. Berg: Oh ,yeah, that's it. Sharon: That *is* it. Berg: I said, "Oh yeah that's it."
Ashley: Well, a strong enough wind could blow it right over. Pete: [laughs] What, are you kiddin' me? You're a med student. What the hell do you know about architecture? Ashley: Well, my father's an architect. Pete: Yeah, well, my mother's a woman, but that doesn't mean I understand them. Sharon: It's true, he really doesn't.
Berg: Just remember that my eye drop experiments paid for that sofa. Pete: Berg, what color would you say that sofa is? Berg: I dunno... blue?
Pete: I'm twenty-five, why are you telling people I'm thirty? Berg: You get better presents.