Joe E. Lewis — American Comedian

Joe E. Lewis, born Joseph Klewan in New York City, was an American comedian and singer... (wikipedia)

They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.
It pays to get drunk with the best people.
You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.